I keep seeing people accuse asexuals, gender-nonconforming people, otherkin, and literally every other kind of people who use unusual identity labels as “attention-seeking” and as “special snowflakes.”
Here’s what I don’t get. Who do you think is showering these people with attention? Who do you think considers these people special? Who are you dissuading from “encouraging” these people by calling them “special snowflakes?” Identifying as otherkin has not made anyone think I’m more special than they thought I was before I told them I was otherkin. Identifying as a gray-asexual lesbian has not made anyone think I was special either. Both have gotten me a fair amount of hate for supposedly wanting to be special, but neither have gotten me the royal treatment you seem think we’ll get unless you put your foot down.
If an asexual demiromantic person shows up on an asexual forum, literally no one is going to treat him like he’s special. Instead, they’ll just be like “okay, cool, thanks for sharing.” If a deity-kin shows up on an otherkin forum, nobody’s going to start worshipping that person or thinking she’s the most special person who ever lived. Instead, they’ll just be like “okay, cool, you’ll fit in with the other twenty people who identify as gods. Have fun!”
On the other hand, if a panromantic asexual demiboy tries to talk about his identity to “regular folk” or even your average queer people, he’ll likely be told that his identity is fake and be treated badly for having it. Other asexuals will treat him like everyone else, and non-asexuals/non-supporters will treat him like he’s worthless. Otherkin rarely get treated like they’re special or awesome or better than other people if they tell non-otherkin about their identities, and when they tell fellow otherkin how they identify, they’re again just treated like everyone else.
These identities aren’t about specialness. Actually, I feel a little sick every time I see a post about people’s identities that has the word “special” or “special snowflake” in it.
Here’s why I identify as a gray asexual lesbian. I realized I liked women at sixteen. Imagine struggling for years to accept that you prefer women over men only to try to have relationships and realize that the vast majority of people want things like kissing and sex that are just major turn-offs for you. You try thinking of this as a psychological problem, but your psychologist says there’s nothing wrong with you, you’re just uninterested in something a lot of other people like. He tells you there’s no medical way to force someone to want something they don’t want and sends you on your way. Later, you find out about asexuality, but your girlfriend screams at you for considering that identity because you do experience attraction, you just don’t experience it very often. When you do experience it, it’s intense, but it rarely leads you to actually want to have sex.
For a while, you start telling people “hi, I’m a lesbian who isn’t interested in kissing or sex except that some part of me almost sort of kind of in some abstract way wants the idea of sex but not the fact of it; this isn’t an issue of readiness because I’ve felt ready-ish to do things and tried them only to have them just…not feel natural or right at all. Still, my romantic feelings for women are very different from the friendship feelings I have for men, and I want that to be respected.” Jeez, that’s a lot of explaining for one person’s orientation. You eventually start saying “I’m asexual,” which leads people to think that you’re also aromantic (which is wrong) and that you don’t experience attraction at all. You do experience attraction, but not enough to make sense of sex. You try saying you have a low sex-drive, but it’s not a sex-drive issue as you’re able to masturbate almost daily with no issue, you just don’t feel sexual attraction to other people often enough for it to count. So, you start telling people “I’m almost asexual-ish, but not quite.” Then, you find out there’s a word for that. It’s “gray asexual.” You also find out that there are a growing number of lesbians who accept asexual and gray asexuals within the identity label and have no problem with you saying you belong.
“I’m a gray asexual lesbian” actually makes me feel like less of an attention-hog than I felt like when I was stuck saying “I feel like a lesbian but am technically asexual except when I’m not. I really want a girlfriend, but I don’t want most kinds of physical intimacy.” It’s a short way for me to make my point and stop talking rather than having to go on for paragraphs explaining and justifying myself. In short, I don’t want to call a ton of attention to my orientation. I don’t expect anyone to think I’m special for being a gray asexual lesbian. In fact, I wish I were just a normal lesbian or even straight…all the time. It isn’t exactly fun or easy having a unique and badly understood orientation.
Saying “I’m a gray-asexual lesbian” (for me) is similar to saying “I’m a sober straight woman.” It’s a way of saying “I’m interested in dating people like you, but here’s something important you might want to know before you consider it.” Some people would hate being in a romantic relationship with someone they couldn’t share a glass of wine with. Other people wouldn’t enjoy relationships with people they couldn’t reliably have sex with. That’s all that means. Granted, some asexuals do like sex, they just don’t feel sexual attraction. These asexuals might choose to have sex with people they have non-sexual but romantic feelings for.
Please stop assuming that just because someone is identifying in a way that you’re not used to seeing, they’re just doing it to seem special.
Please stop assuming that if a word is being used in a way you’re not used to seeing it used, it must be because the person has decided “normal” labels don’t “sound special enough.”